Heartless B*tch

I am the worst person when it comes to dealing with emotional things.

I’m a pretty emotional person myself like if someone dies in a movie or starts crying, I’ll start creating a pool of tears around me. But I have no idea how to deal with things in person.
My mum just came up to me and told me a relative of ours who was suffering from cancer has passed away. I already figured this out from my baba’s loud crying downstairs. I replied to my mum with “aw that’s good.” I didn’t mean it like “ah yes he’s finally dead!” I meant it more like “he’s not in pain anymore.” I just didn’t know how to put it so she gave me the weirdest look ever.

When my grandad died, I was really young and didn’t really remember many memories with him so I didn’t know what to mourn over. Instead, I would just watch my mum scream and fall to the floor crying. When my other grandad passed away a couple of years ago, I again, didn’t know what to do. He was suffering from Parkinson’s disease and spent his last couple of weeks in hospital. We flew out to Iran for the funeral and whilst everyone around me was crying, I couldn’t help but laugh. Honestly, I don’t know why I would laugh. I didn’t know how I was supposed to handle it. I tried crying but it didn’t work (dammit! I just spilt celery juice all over myself) and I just felt completely numb to the situation and continued to enjoy my summer vacation because he was no longer in pain and it was something I accepted the moment I heard the news and moved on.

I know what the correct thing is to do in these situations, but I can never bring myself to do it. I can never comfort the person or cry. I can only cry when I’m angry. Is there something wrong with me?

It’s not only death that I’m numb towards, it’s other things too. For example, if a friend’s grandad has passed away and they approach me for comfort, I wouldn’t know what to say or do other than “I’m sorry for your loss” and a hug. I’d continue on with my day and speak to them, joking around, not realising that they’re not in the mood. I just expect life to go on for everyone else just like it does for me. I’m not selfish or lacking empathy (maybe I am?), I’m just really bad at these things.

I don’t even know what to say when someone tells me they love me. When it’s a friend, I’m totally cool and say it back. Ok, maybe not totally cool since I haven’t ever said it to a friend in person; I’ve just always typed it at the end of a birthday message or an emotional time they’ve been there for me. When it’s a boyfriend, I just joke around instead like “haha are you drunk? You don’t know what you’re saying right now so let’s just pretend this didn’t happen.” or I stupidly thank them or say something dumb like “I know. How could you not love someone like me.” I used to reply “I love you” to one of my ex-boyfriends who would throw it in every single Whatsapp conversation. But that was only because I felt pressured to (he would start an argument if I didn’t), not because I actually loved him. I have difficulty saying it to my parents as well. I do love them, and I do wish I could tell them that more, but every time I try to, my throat clogs up and I feel myself choking.

I don’t know how to handle emotional situations. I can’t do PDA. I can’t comfort well. Maybe I’m only emotional towards movies because they’re not real? Does anyone else feel like this or is it just me, the heartless b*tch?

Lola x


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